So today's appointment was relatively uneventful. Which is a good thing I suppose! He got some of my bloodwork back, and I guess everyting looked good other than apparently I'll need a Rubella vaccine and a Hepatitis booster (which they will apparently give me in the hospital after baby is born.)
He put my official date at 16 weeks, 3 days, and my due date at September 10th. No ultrasound today but we did get to hear the heartbeat which was fun (and comforting!)
I should be called by the hospital for the anatomy scan (ultrasound to make sure everything is there and find out the sex) within two weeks. I hope baby co-operates, because I REALLY can't wait to find out if we're going to have a son or a daughter :)
Next appointment is April 27th.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
16 weeks!
So, the second trimester is really shaping up to be much better than the first. While I'm still tired in the afternoons, it's not nearly as bad, and the nausea is getting better by the day.
The food cravings have gotten more intense. Right now it's Skittles and Mini-Wheats (not together!) I have Mini Wheats several times a day.
We have our Second OB appointment on Wednesday, and we'll hopefully be finding out when the sexing ultrasound will be! I'm very very eager to know if we're having a son or a daughter :)
So according to www.thebump.com:
Baby's now the size of an avocado!
Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.
The food cravings have gotten more intense. Right now it's Skittles and Mini-Wheats (not together!) I have Mini Wheats several times a day.
We have our Second OB appointment on Wednesday, and we'll hopefully be finding out when the sexing ultrasound will be! I'm very very eager to know if we're having a son or a daughter :)
So according to www.thebump.com:
Baby's now the size of an avocado!
Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
15 Weeks
Well, the nausea seems to be subsiding. I'm still throwing up almost every day, usually around midnight, but I'm not nauseous for long before or after.
I have another round of blood tests on Wednesday, and then the following Monday we have our next OB appointment. So exciting!
So, according to www.thebump.com:
Baby's now the size of a naval orange!
Continuing the march toward normal proportions, baby's legs now out-measure his arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably can't feel the movements just yet.
I have another round of blood tests on Wednesday, and then the following Monday we have our next OB appointment. So exciting!
So, according to www.thebump.com:
Baby's now the size of a naval orange!
Continuing the march toward normal proportions, baby's legs now out-measure his arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably can't feel the movements just yet.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Belly tracking!
This morning while I was making my coffee, my mom shouted excitedly at the fact that when I turned sideways she could see a belly. I guess that's as good a reason as any to post a picture of it :)
So here am, somewhere in the middle of my 14th week.
So here am, somewhere in the middle of my 14th week.
Shopping!
After the previous serious post, I figured I should talk about something a little lighter :)
Todd, myself, Todd's mom and Auntie Debbie will be heading over to Messena this weekend to do some shopping. Now, I don't know that we'll necessarily buy anything yet, but I'm still eager to start looking and making lists of what we like and what we'll need. Auntie Debbie very generously bought us a pack and play last week which was one of my "must have" items. Todd thinks it's the one below or similar to it, but we haven't seen it yet :) We'll need to figure out what kind of stroller we want, what kind of car seat we'd like, and a million and one other things I'm sure I haven't even thought of.
It's supposed to be a warm sunny weekend, and I'm looking forward to it!
Todd, myself, Todd's mom and Auntie Debbie will be heading over to Messena this weekend to do some shopping. Now, I don't know that we'll necessarily buy anything yet, but I'm still eager to start looking and making lists of what we like and what we'll need. Auntie Debbie very generously bought us a pack and play last week which was one of my "must have" items. Todd thinks it's the one below or similar to it, but we haven't seen it yet :) We'll need to figure out what kind of stroller we want, what kind of car seat we'd like, and a million and one other things I'm sure I haven't even thought of.
It's supposed to be a warm sunny weekend, and I'm looking forward to it!
Who does a pregnant woman's body belong to?
I recently read about two situations in the states that had me pretty angered. The first was about a woman who was forcefully put on bed-rest against her wishes in order to try to prevent a miscarriage. She showed signs of early miscarriage and when her doctor ordered bed-rest, she opted instead to get a second opinion. Being the mother of two toddlers and needing to work to support the family made bed-rest a near impossibility for her. Well, she was ordered not only to bed-rest, but also to stay at a hospital and follow any treatment the doctor deemed necessary. She ended up having a c-section a couple days later to remove the dead baby.
The second scenario involved a woman who fell down the stairs late in her second trimester and while in the hospital to have the baby checked on she confided in the nurse that early on she had contemplated abortion because she and the babies father had split up. The nurse and doctor decided to call the cops for attempted feticide, saying that the woman threw herself down the stair intentionally in order to try to terminate the pregnancy. The woman was arrested and spent two nights in jail.
----------
One thing I have noticed since I've become pregnant, and I don't know if it's worse because I had a miscarriage, but it seems that everyone thinks that they have the right/responsibility to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate advice, and I love that people care about me. But anyone who knows me knows that I am anal retentive about researching everything, and that I'm not going to make any decision about what I can and can't do during this pregnancy without reading about the pros and cons first. I think people should know me well enough to know that I am not going to make decision that will put the baby at risk.
I fully understand and accept that there are some things I might do that other people wouldn't do. Being vegetarian for example. I know that it's really hard for people who have spent their lives eating meat, who don't fully understand the range of foods that I do eat to "get" that I can be vegetarian AND healthy. What I find hypocritical, is that if I was a meat eater but lived on Kraft Dinner and chicken nuggets, I probably wouldn't have half the people questioning my diet as I do now even though I promise my diet is better rounded than the one I just mentioned. I do get that many people don't understand that being vegetarian doesn't mean eating the same way I did before, but just eliminating the meat. If I did that, yes, I would be deficient in something I'm sure. I don't expect people to spend hours researching it and understanding it, but I do expect them to understand that I have spent hours researching it and understanding it, and trust that I will make the right decisions for myself and my child.
The other issue (of course) is horses. I have had people suggest that I basically shouldn't get withing 100' of my boys. The fear being that horses might carry some kind of baby-killing bacteria that I will catch, or that I might end up getting run over or trampled by them or who knows what. People and horses have been living side by side (And yes, people reproduced during these times) for thousands of years. I know my horses, I know what is safe and what is not, and I am aware of my own physical limitations. That said, I fully intend to start riding Lou again when my placenta moves to a better location. I'll be putting the bareback pad away and using my saddle to be safe. I'm not going to break Constantine this spring, because I'm not dumb enough to get on a green horse even if he's the steadiest horse in the world. I don't recommend that people who are pregnant get on a horse for the first time... But I've been riding for years, I know my horse, I know my limitations and meandering around the back field at a leisurely pace is not going to cause any problems. Research shows that the action associated with riding is not dangerous to the baby, and that the danger comes with the risk of falling, and I will be riding in a way that minimizes that risk. It's a way for me to keep my sanity and stay in shape, and ultimately, it's my choice.
So, got that off my chest :)
The relation between what I just posted and the stories I outlined above is that we seem to think in our society that when a woman becomes pregnant, her life and her choices are no longer hers to make. Obviously there is a difference between a well meaning friend or family member telling me I'm being neglectful for not eating steak and a woman being arrested for falling down the stairs. However there is a connection between the sentiments behind it. Somehow in this society we feel a pregnant woman's life is no longer hers alone. That somehow we have the right to start dictating how she should spend her time, what kind of medical decisions she can make, what she should eat... I admit to being guilty of this on some level in the past. I have looked on in disgust and even made comments to complete strangers who were pregnant and doing something (smoking for example) that I thought would be harmful to their baby. As someone who puts a lot of thought and research into every decision I make, I find it annoying at best and downright insulting at worst when I am accused of being neglectful of by baby's wellbeing. But the bigger picture is that on a moral level, it's downright scary. I can tell you right now that if I disagreed with some advice my doctor gave me and wanted a second opinion, I would fully expect that it was within my rights to do so. If I found myself being held and treated against my will... I'm not even sure I can express how angry that would make me.
So do me a favor, and think about this next time you see a pregnant woman doing something you wouldn't personally do. Whether that be lifting a heavy bag of dog food, or smoking a cigarette. Her life is her life, and not yours. The baby in her belly doesn't change that, and doesn't give anyone else the right to make her choices for her.
The second scenario involved a woman who fell down the stairs late in her second trimester and while in the hospital to have the baby checked on she confided in the nurse that early on she had contemplated abortion because she and the babies father had split up. The nurse and doctor decided to call the cops for attempted feticide, saying that the woman threw herself down the stair intentionally in order to try to terminate the pregnancy. The woman was arrested and spent two nights in jail.
----------
One thing I have noticed since I've become pregnant, and I don't know if it's worse because I had a miscarriage, but it seems that everyone thinks that they have the right/responsibility to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate advice, and I love that people care about me. But anyone who knows me knows that I am anal retentive about researching everything, and that I'm not going to make any decision about what I can and can't do during this pregnancy without reading about the pros and cons first. I think people should know me well enough to know that I am not going to make decision that will put the baby at risk.
I fully understand and accept that there are some things I might do that other people wouldn't do. Being vegetarian for example. I know that it's really hard for people who have spent their lives eating meat, who don't fully understand the range of foods that I do eat to "get" that I can be vegetarian AND healthy. What I find hypocritical, is that if I was a meat eater but lived on Kraft Dinner and chicken nuggets, I probably wouldn't have half the people questioning my diet as I do now even though I promise my diet is better rounded than the one I just mentioned. I do get that many people don't understand that being vegetarian doesn't mean eating the same way I did before, but just eliminating the meat. If I did that, yes, I would be deficient in something I'm sure. I don't expect people to spend hours researching it and understanding it, but I do expect them to understand that I have spent hours researching it and understanding it, and trust that I will make the right decisions for myself and my child.
The other issue (of course) is horses. I have had people suggest that I basically shouldn't get withing 100' of my boys. The fear being that horses might carry some kind of baby-killing bacteria that I will catch, or that I might end up getting run over or trampled by them or who knows what. People and horses have been living side by side (And yes, people reproduced during these times) for thousands of years. I know my horses, I know what is safe and what is not, and I am aware of my own physical limitations. That said, I fully intend to start riding Lou again when my placenta moves to a better location. I'll be putting the bareback pad away and using my saddle to be safe. I'm not going to break Constantine this spring, because I'm not dumb enough to get on a green horse even if he's the steadiest horse in the world. I don't recommend that people who are pregnant get on a horse for the first time... But I've been riding for years, I know my horse, I know my limitations and meandering around the back field at a leisurely pace is not going to cause any problems. Research shows that the action associated with riding is not dangerous to the baby, and that the danger comes with the risk of falling, and I will be riding in a way that minimizes that risk. It's a way for me to keep my sanity and stay in shape, and ultimately, it's my choice.
So, got that off my chest :)
The relation between what I just posted and the stories I outlined above is that we seem to think in our society that when a woman becomes pregnant, her life and her choices are no longer hers to make. Obviously there is a difference between a well meaning friend or family member telling me I'm being neglectful for not eating steak and a woman being arrested for falling down the stairs. However there is a connection between the sentiments behind it. Somehow in this society we feel a pregnant woman's life is no longer hers alone. That somehow we have the right to start dictating how she should spend her time, what kind of medical decisions she can make, what she should eat... I admit to being guilty of this on some level in the past. I have looked on in disgust and even made comments to complete strangers who were pregnant and doing something (smoking for example) that I thought would be harmful to their baby. As someone who puts a lot of thought and research into every decision I make, I find it annoying at best and downright insulting at worst when I am accused of being neglectful of by baby's wellbeing. But the bigger picture is that on a moral level, it's downright scary. I can tell you right now that if I disagreed with some advice my doctor gave me and wanted a second opinion, I would fully expect that it was within my rights to do so. If I found myself being held and treated against my will... I'm not even sure I can express how angry that would make me.
So do me a favor, and think about this next time you see a pregnant woman doing something you wouldn't personally do. Whether that be lifting a heavy bag of dog food, or smoking a cigarette. Her life is her life, and not yours. The baby in her belly doesn't change that, and doesn't give anyone else the right to make her choices for her.
Monday, March 14, 2011
14 weeks, and Spring :)
I always love the changing of the seasons. For several weeks now, our doves have been busy building their nests in preparation for their soon to be expanding families. We are lucky enough to have a family of doves who come back to roost right next to our bedroom window every year. From March until October, I get to hear them sing every morning. I never get sick of it.
The temps are high enough to be melting the snow, and grass is starting to peak through. Daylight savings time this weekend has pretty much turned me into a Zombie in the mornings, but the fact that we have sunlight till 7:00 in the evenings makes up for that. The horses don't need as much hay to keep warm anymore, and they've started shedding their winter coats in big clumps. In a few more weeks I'll be able to go out there and help them brush them off, trading in their soft fluffy winter jackets for sleek shiny summer coats.
At the same time as spring is rolling in, I'm noticing some exciting changes in myself. For one, I am feeling much better. I don't need to take my Diclectin on a daily basis anymore, and even though I'm still throwing up from time to time, I am not constantly nauseous which is allowing me to get back to being myself. The fatigue is sill there, but not being worsened by the Diclectin either, so that's a bonus.
My tummy is definitely changing as well. It may not be 100% obvious to other people yet, but it is very obvious to me. And even though they say it's too early, I'm almost positive I felt some movement while I was laying down yesterday. It was very exciting!
Todd's mom and Auntie Debbie went baby-stuff shopping on Saturday :) They called us from Sears, very excited, and Todd got off the phone giddy. It fun to see people's attitudes and stresses about this pregnancy start to melt away, and it's great that everyone, including myself are able to be excited about it.
Our next OB appointment is on the 28th, and I'm really looking forward to it.
So, according to www.thebump.com:
Baby's now the size of a lemon!
Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.
The temps are high enough to be melting the snow, and grass is starting to peak through. Daylight savings time this weekend has pretty much turned me into a Zombie in the mornings, but the fact that we have sunlight till 7:00 in the evenings makes up for that. The horses don't need as much hay to keep warm anymore, and they've started shedding their winter coats in big clumps. In a few more weeks I'll be able to go out there and help them brush them off, trading in their soft fluffy winter jackets for sleek shiny summer coats.
At the same time as spring is rolling in, I'm noticing some exciting changes in myself. For one, I am feeling much better. I don't need to take my Diclectin on a daily basis anymore, and even though I'm still throwing up from time to time, I am not constantly nauseous which is allowing me to get back to being myself. The fatigue is sill there, but not being worsened by the Diclectin either, so that's a bonus.
My tummy is definitely changing as well. It may not be 100% obvious to other people yet, but it is very obvious to me. And even though they say it's too early, I'm almost positive I felt some movement while I was laying down yesterday. It was very exciting!
Todd's mom and Auntie Debbie went baby-stuff shopping on Saturday :) They called us from Sears, very excited, and Todd got off the phone giddy. It fun to see people's attitudes and stresses about this pregnancy start to melt away, and it's great that everyone, including myself are able to be excited about it.
Our next OB appointment is on the 28th, and I'm really looking forward to it.
So, according to www.thebump.com:
Baby's now the size of a lemon!
Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
13 weeks
The interesting thing about having a baby that's measuring big is that I essentially skipped a week of pregnancy. Which is kinda cool.
Based on the measurements at last weeks ultrasound, I am around the 13 week mark right now. Second trimester! Hopefully soon the nausea and extreme fatigue will get a little better.
Chris and Esther came up with the boys today. It's always so nice to have them here. Esther brought me goodies which is awesome, and I've had to try pretty hard not to eat them all in one day!
I'm definitely noticing more and more of a belly :) It might not be super obvious to anyone but me yet, but I see it and I feel it and I can't lay on my stomach anymore without being uncomfortable.
So, week 13 (from www.thebump.com)
Baby's now the size of a peach!
Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with his head now only one third the size of his body. And intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy -- much more convenient.
Based on the measurements at last weeks ultrasound, I am around the 13 week mark right now. Second trimester! Hopefully soon the nausea and extreme fatigue will get a little better.
Chris and Esther came up with the boys today. It's always so nice to have them here. Esther brought me goodies which is awesome, and I've had to try pretty hard not to eat them all in one day!
I'm definitely noticing more and more of a belly :) It might not be super obvious to anyone but me yet, but I see it and I feel it and I can't lay on my stomach anymore without being uncomfortable.
So, week 13 (from www.thebump.com)
Baby's now the size of a peach!
Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with his head now only one third the size of his body. And intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy -- much more convenient.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Breaking the news... When is the right time?
You hear this discussion a lot in the world of pregnancy.
This post is going to be a wild ride, and will probably go off on a few tangents. I'll bake you cookies if you hang in till the end, I promise I'll bring it all together!
When is the right time to tell people? Traditionally, one waits until the 12 week mark when the risk or miscarriage has gone down considerably.
With the first pregnancy, we told people pretty much right away. Partly because we were so excited that we were practically exploding, and partly becasue I honestly think that neither of us truely understood how common miscarriages are. After all, I'm young, healthy, my mom had three healthy pregnancies, and I was doing everything by the book! Miscarriages happen, but it was unlikely it would happen to me.
The Miscarriage was a shock. But what was almost as shocking as the miscarriage itself was HOW MANY PEOPLE reached out to me to tell me they had gone through the same thing. Young, healthy women who had done everything right.
It's estimated that 20 to 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That's 1/4 or 1/5. That is a lot of pregnancies. Going into the first pregnancy, I had no idea just how common this was.
That's part of the reason I started this blog. When I was going through my first miscarriage, I felt like I was a failure. Like I was defective somehow. Like I was unable to make a healthy baby. To add insult to injury, it seemed that most everyone I knew was pregnant. So while people were complaining via facebook status of their morning sickness or their swollen ankles, here I was, unable to reach that point.
I can't tell you how much I appreciated people sharing their own personal stories with me. People who reached out and said "I've been there too". People I thought I knew well, but didn't know about that. The 1 in 4 number started to make more sense. I wasn't defective, I wasn't a failure, this happens a lot. I wanted to start this blog not only as a way to share my pregnancy with family and friends who want updates, but also because I HOPE that women who are pregnant for the first time might eventually read this and get an understanding of just how common miscarriages are.
My goal isn't to scare people, or put a dark cloud over the experience. My goal is for people to go into things with a knowledge of the possibilities so if they DO end up falling into the very high percentage of women who at some point experience a miscarriage, that they will know that they aren't broken or a failure or defective. I feel like miscarriages are pregnancies dirty little secret that no one wants to hear about or talk about until after it's happened. I feel like there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with it, and I want to help shine a light on how common and normal it actually is.
(That was the tangent I talked about earlier. Now back to the original topic!)
So if as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, when is the right time to tell people?
Well, there's no right or wrong answer. But I'll share my views with you anyways.
For this pregnancy, because I had just miscarried, my first reaction was to wait to tell people. I mean what if I miscarried again! Todd and I decided together that we wanted to tell our "support team". This consisted of our immediate family, a couple of very close friends, and the waitress at our local sushi restaurant. (Don't ask!) A couple more people found out along the way, mostly because they asked me straight out and I'm a pretty bad liar when put on the spot.
As the pregnancy progressed, I started giving things a little more thought. Why were we actually holding back this information? Why couldn't I allow my family and friends to share in the joy and excitement of the pregnancy, and in the loss in a worst case scenario? How would people knowing or not knowing make things any better or worse if we lost this pregnancy too?
After thinking about all these things, and remembering all the supportive and touching e-mails I got from my aunts and cousins after the miscarriage, it suddenly seemed less important to keep the information from people. At the same time, I felt like somehow "not wanting people to know" if I had a miscarriage carried a lot of shame... and shame perpetuates the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. At around 7 or 8 weeks I can honestly say that I personally was completely emotionally ready to tell people. I was tired of hiding, I was annoyed by the "Hush hush" shameful feeling surround my miscarriage, and I was tired of walking on eggshells. Everything I read, everything I was told was that it was NOT MY FAULT, there was nothing I could have done differently, and keeping this secret somehow made me feel not only like I couldn't really enjoy and celebrate this pregnancy properly but also like miscarriage was something to be ashamed of.
Ultimately though, this is not my baby alone, and I could tell that Todd had not reached the same emotional epiphany as I had. Mostly I think the difference was that Todd has a really hard time talking about the loss of our first child and I didn't. My pain wasn't amplified or reduced by talking about it. It hurt like a bitch, and nothing was going to change that but time. However, I understood and respected that for Todd, at least part of the fear was being asked by people how the pregnancy was going only to have to tell them that we lost the baby.
At the same time, we do both have grandparents who took this hard. My main thought was for Oma, who is naturally such a worrier, extremely empathetic and not in very good health. I didn't want her to be constantly worrying about whether or not I was going to lose this one, and if I did miscarry again, I didn't want her to have to deal with the emotions that come with it.
So we decided to wait, until 12 weeks, and after the NT scan.
The best advice I can offer people who are wondering when they should spread the news, is to listen to yourself. This is one of those many things about pregnancy (and eventually parenthood) that everyone will have an opinion about, but I think it's important to discuss it with your Significant Other and come up with a plan you're both comfortable with. Don't listen to tradition, don't listen to your neighbor or anyone else. There is no right or wrong way to do it, you just have to consider all the factors and decide what you feel is best for you.
Here are your cookies for making it all the way through!
This post is going to be a wild ride, and will probably go off on a few tangents. I'll bake you cookies if you hang in till the end, I promise I'll bring it all together!
When is the right time to tell people? Traditionally, one waits until the 12 week mark when the risk or miscarriage has gone down considerably.
With the first pregnancy, we told people pretty much right away. Partly because we were so excited that we were practically exploding, and partly becasue I honestly think that neither of us truely understood how common miscarriages are. After all, I'm young, healthy, my mom had three healthy pregnancies, and I was doing everything by the book! Miscarriages happen, but it was unlikely it would happen to me.
The Miscarriage was a shock. But what was almost as shocking as the miscarriage itself was HOW MANY PEOPLE reached out to me to tell me they had gone through the same thing. Young, healthy women who had done everything right.
It's estimated that 20 to 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That's 1/4 or 1/5. That is a lot of pregnancies. Going into the first pregnancy, I had no idea just how common this was.
That's part of the reason I started this blog. When I was going through my first miscarriage, I felt like I was a failure. Like I was defective somehow. Like I was unable to make a healthy baby. To add insult to injury, it seemed that most everyone I knew was pregnant. So while people were complaining via facebook status of their morning sickness or their swollen ankles, here I was, unable to reach that point.
I can't tell you how much I appreciated people sharing their own personal stories with me. People who reached out and said "I've been there too". People I thought I knew well, but didn't know about that. The 1 in 4 number started to make more sense. I wasn't defective, I wasn't a failure, this happens a lot. I wanted to start this blog not only as a way to share my pregnancy with family and friends who want updates, but also because I HOPE that women who are pregnant for the first time might eventually read this and get an understanding of just how common miscarriages are.
My goal isn't to scare people, or put a dark cloud over the experience. My goal is for people to go into things with a knowledge of the possibilities so if they DO end up falling into the very high percentage of women who at some point experience a miscarriage, that they will know that they aren't broken or a failure or defective. I feel like miscarriages are pregnancies dirty little secret that no one wants to hear about or talk about until after it's happened. I feel like there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with it, and I want to help shine a light on how common and normal it actually is.
(That was the tangent I talked about earlier. Now back to the original topic!)
So if as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, when is the right time to tell people?
Well, there's no right or wrong answer. But I'll share my views with you anyways.
For this pregnancy, because I had just miscarried, my first reaction was to wait to tell people. I mean what if I miscarried again! Todd and I decided together that we wanted to tell our "support team". This consisted of our immediate family, a couple of very close friends, and the waitress at our local sushi restaurant. (Don't ask!) A couple more people found out along the way, mostly because they asked me straight out and I'm a pretty bad liar when put on the spot.
As the pregnancy progressed, I started giving things a little more thought. Why were we actually holding back this information? Why couldn't I allow my family and friends to share in the joy and excitement of the pregnancy, and in the loss in a worst case scenario? How would people knowing or not knowing make things any better or worse if we lost this pregnancy too?
After thinking about all these things, and remembering all the supportive and touching e-mails I got from my aunts and cousins after the miscarriage, it suddenly seemed less important to keep the information from people. At the same time, I felt like somehow "not wanting people to know" if I had a miscarriage carried a lot of shame... and shame perpetuates the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. At around 7 or 8 weeks I can honestly say that I personally was completely emotionally ready to tell people. I was tired of hiding, I was annoyed by the "Hush hush" shameful feeling surround my miscarriage, and I was tired of walking on eggshells. Everything I read, everything I was told was that it was NOT MY FAULT, there was nothing I could have done differently, and keeping this secret somehow made me feel not only like I couldn't really enjoy and celebrate this pregnancy properly but also like miscarriage was something to be ashamed of.
Ultimately though, this is not my baby alone, and I could tell that Todd had not reached the same emotional epiphany as I had. Mostly I think the difference was that Todd has a really hard time talking about the loss of our first child and I didn't. My pain wasn't amplified or reduced by talking about it. It hurt like a bitch, and nothing was going to change that but time. However, I understood and respected that for Todd, at least part of the fear was being asked by people how the pregnancy was going only to have to tell them that we lost the baby.
At the same time, we do both have grandparents who took this hard. My main thought was for Oma, who is naturally such a worrier, extremely empathetic and not in very good health. I didn't want her to be constantly worrying about whether or not I was going to lose this one, and if I did miscarry again, I didn't want her to have to deal with the emotions that come with it.
So we decided to wait, until 12 weeks, and after the NT scan.
The best advice I can offer people who are wondering when they should spread the news, is to listen to yourself. This is one of those many things about pregnancy (and eventually parenthood) that everyone will have an opinion about, but I think it's important to discuss it with your Significant Other and come up with a plan you're both comfortable with. Don't listen to tradition, don't listen to your neighbor or anyone else. There is no right or wrong way to do it, you just have to consider all the factors and decide what you feel is best for you.
Here are your cookies for making it all the way through!
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