11 weeks! Errrr... 12 weeks?

So I had my second NT scan today. I had one on Thursday but they were unable to get the measurements they needed.

Thursday Todd came with, and it was so much fun. Baby was wide awake and jumping around like a monkey in there. I was great to see.

Today, mom came which was also awesome! As soon as the u/s started mom saw a very clear hand (I missed it!). It was a bit more detailed today, it's amazing how much things change in just a couple of days. While baby wasn't as active as Thursday, there was still some movement, a few arms flying up for questions and all that.

CRL was 55mm, BPD was 19mm and NT was 1.4mm. The tech didn't explain any of that to me (they are sending everything to the doctors) but google tells me anything under 3mm for the NT is good, so that's cool.

Now as far as the CRL of 55mm... that would put me at exactly 12 weeks! So, am I 12 weeks? Not sure, I guess when I go back to the doctors he'll go over all that with me.

In the meantime, I'll post both of these. According to www.thebump.com:



Baby's now the size of a lime!
Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through it. But fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds, and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.







Baby's now the size of a plum!
As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of her systems are fully formed.

The shift.

This week has been a big one for me. Several things have happened, and all of them good.

Firstly, as of today, I am officially more pregnant than I ever have been! We passed the dreaded date of 10 weeks 4 days, and everything is still looking good. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that I'm out of the woods just yet. Plus there's that whole low-laying placenta thing... But never the less, I'm feeling good about this.

Obviously seeing baby's heartbeat was a big big deal. It kinda drove home the fact that there is a little living growing person inside me. I have another Ultrasound today at the hospital, for an official dating, and I'm really looking forward to seeing baby again.

Also, I'm officially in maternity jeans! OK, maybe I don't really NEED them yet, but dammit, they're comfy. So there.

Lastly, my nausea seems to be subsiding. This is big. It's really hard to completely comprehend how draining it is to be nauseous and throwing up all the time. Even though the Diclectin GREATLY improved things for me, I still didn't really feel "well". It's hard to be really excited about being pregnant when all you can think about is not losing your last meal.

All of these things this week have started a shift for me. A shift from worry to excitement. From fear to love. I'm feeling less like the girl who had a miscarriage, and more like the girl who is pregnant. And that's a really nice feeling.

Breathing a little easier!

Yesterday we had our first OB appointment. Todd and I were surprisingly calm about the whole thing.

We got there a couple of minutes early. I peed in a cup, got weighed, had my blood pressure taken, sat in a private room and answered a bunch of questions, was given an armload of free baby things (Yay for corporate sponsors?) and sat back down. When the doc called us in and he told me to hop up on the ultrasound table, my heart started beating really fast. It was the moment of truth.

It took him some time to find the heartbeat. When he first started looking, he said "Well, there is definitely a pregnancy..." followed by lots of silence. I started to get nervous. "Are you sure you didn't have ANY bleeding?" he asked. I started to shake. "Positive" I managed to spit out. More silence. I was [ ] that close to having a full blown panic attack. "OK, there's the heartbeat!" he said. The tech must have been holding her breath, or sensed my panic, because I'm pretty sure she "squee!"ed out loud. I looked at the screen, and didn't see anything discernible, so I asked him to point it out to me. And sure enough, like a little blip on the radar, was our baby's little beating heart.
























I was immediately overcome with a mix of relief (for myself and Todd) and love for the little person on the screen, and I started crying. The doctor showed us where the head was, and where the legs were, and told us that baby was measuring 11 weeks and a day, almost a week ahead of schedule.

So, with all that said and done, everything looks good! Apparently my placenta looks like it's attached a bit low, hence why he was asking about the bleeding. Bad timing doc, bad timing. My research tells me that tis is fairly common in early pregnancy (20-30% of pregnancies) and that 99% of the time the placenta migrates into a better location by week 20, and out of the remaining 1% only one in four will have a placenta that covers the cervix and causes complications with labour. (Thanks google!) Anyhow, I'm to take it easy for a few weeks (till 14 weeks) but other than that, so far so good!

Ten weeks

I can't beleive the dreaded week ten is already here!

I should be a mess, I suppose. But for some reason I'm not. Hopefully that reason is instinct that everything is OK.

It's a big week this week.

A side from being the week I lost the baby last time, we also have our first OB appt on Tuesday, and come Thursday, I will officially be more pregnant than I ever have been.

I'm actually more nervous about the OB appointment that I am about spontaneously miscarrying. I've heard of far too many people who go for that first ultrasound positive that they're going to see a little heartbeat, and instead they find out that they have essentially become a tomb. I'm going to be a nervous wreck on Tuesday.

That's the thing about being PAL. You have a very real understanding that these little fetuses are very fragile, and that even if you do everything right things can still go very very wrong.

The good news is, I'm still puking, I'm still having very vivid dreams, and my boobs are still killing me.

So, about baby this week! (From thebump.com)

Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)

I'm not very good at waiting.

Just ask my parents :)

I am horrible about waiting for things I'm looking forward to. Waiting actually creates some kind of very real anxiety in me. I've been working on it for a long time, but even though I've gotten better, I'm still no good at it.

This week has CRAWLED by. Because I'm waiting for next week. Today is Thursday. Tomorrow I have class, then it's the weekend (which always goes fast, right?) then one day and then it's my appointment.

I don't know yet if I'm going to have an ultrasound, but I think I'm going to beg for one if they don't offer. I'll be pretty disappointed if I don't get one.

In other news, last night despite having taken my Diclectin, I was violently ill. So I guess the hormones are still going up :) Today I'm doubling my dose of Diclectin.

By this time next week if all goes well I will officially be more pregnant than I ever have been.

I can't wait.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This weekend seemed to be just what I needed to get out of my funk :)

Mom came up, and we went shopping. Kevin came up, and Chris and Esther came, Esther made us an awesome Chinese New Year supper, and of course my two nephews never fail to put a smile on my face. Baby Thomas is three months old, and just a smiley, giggly little monkey. He also recently learned to roll over, which is so funny that Todd even video taped it. Leave it to a baby to make rolling-over cute :)

Mom bought me what I suppose I can consider my first maternity shirt. It's not a maternity shirt per say, but it will be comfy when I have a belly, and perfect for Disney at the end of May. We also browsed (but didn't buy!) the baby clothes section at Winners. All I can say is if we have a girl, I'm in trouble. SOOOOO much adorable stuff. So much. If it's a girl, I'm totally screwed :P

Last night I was really nauseous even with the Diclectin. I'm only taking one a day, even though I'm technically allowed up to four... As the hormones increase I may have to end up increasing my dosage as well. I suppose I am a wuss... back in the day, before Diclectin, women had to suffer through this nonsense. I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. The three weeks of constant sickness drained me so much, I can't imagine going through it for nine months!

Our OB appointment is just over a week away. It's going to be long week... I am simultaneously beyond excited at seeing our little one and getting confirmation that everything is OK, and petrified of the small chance that it might not be.

Sigh.

"Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby"

Nine Weeks

Every Saturday marks the beginning of a new week in my pregnancy. Today is the beginning of week 9!

I'm feeling a little bit better (mood wise) than I was yesterday. Apparently mood swings are to be expected, so I'll try not to get after myself to much for being down once in awhile.

Today feels like a positive day! My mom and little bro are coming up to visit, which is always nice.

So here's what's in store for baby this week (From thebump.com):

Baby's now the size of a green olive!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

Trying to stay positive, forcing normality.

So this will be the last post for today.

Today, I am exactly 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I have my first OB appointment, and possible ultrasound in a week and a half. That will be, to the day, the time I started miscarrying last time.

This morning I got up and my boobs were killing me. I was very happy about that. I have been contemplating not taking my Diclectin today to make sure I'm still experiencing nausea. I realize this is an irrational thought, and I haven't committed to it. I'm sure if I spend my night bent over the toilet seat I'll regret the decision, and likewise, if I don't feel nauseous, I'll end up worrying. In fact, just writing it out here has convinced me to take it :)

When I tell people about my worries and concerns, the best advice (and it really is the best advice) anyone can give me seems to be "Try not to worry. This is a new pregnancy, and you have no control over what happens. What will be will be."

It's great advice, and likely the advice I would be offering me too. The problem is, it's insanely hard advice to follow. Two days ago I had some cramping. I was very difficult for me not to go into full panic mode. I am hyper aware of every little sensation in my body, and I am trying very hard not to question every little thing.

I do hope that in two and half weeks, once I have made it through the first appointment and sailed past the 10 week 4 day mark, I will be able to calm down a bit. I think it's normal to be nervous as I approach the point of the last miscarriage.

I did make a decision though yesterday as I was reflecting on all the emotions I've been going through lately.

I realized that I was bothered by the fact that other people don't seem as excited about this pregnancy. Everyone is scared that it's going to end badly. No one is baby-clothes shopping or touching my stomach to see if it's grown. I have decided that I WANT people to be excited, but that if I want people to be excited it has to start with me. I have to give myself permission to tell people that I had trouble doing up my jeans. I have to walk with Todd into the baby section at the store. I can initiate this change, and I plan to do so.

A new pregnancy

I took the HPT a week before my period was due. I got a very faint positive. I waited two more days, took another one and the positive was clear.

This time around, the excitement was immediately mixed with fear. What if I was unable to carry a baby to term? What if I miscarried again? What if I can never have children?

We told our parents and immediate family right away. The idea being that they were such a strong support system the last time, that IF something goes wrong again we'd like them to be there.

People's reactions varied from pure excitement, to cautious optimism. I admit I was hoping for pure excitement all around. I had enough caution and worry for all of us, and I was hoping that everyone's positive attitudes would help convince me that it would be OK this time.

This pregnancy is very differant than the last. At first, I was worried tha maybe I wasn't really pregnant. Maybe there was residual hCG left in my system from the last pregnancy that had tricked the HPTs. When I went for My beta's, my levels were at 1800. Anything over 5 is considered pregnant, so I was able to put that irrational fear to bed. Then, the morning sickness started. Or as my SIL calls is, "All the time sickness". At first I was positively giddy. I mean, THIS is what a normal pregnancy is like, right? The constant vomiting the aversion to food, the extreme exhaustion, the super-human sense of smell....

But the sickness brought on another set of worries. I was unable to keep down anything nutritionally sound. I was living on toast, and I couldn't even keep my pre-natal vitamin down. Everyone stresses the importance of pre-natals. The folic acid prevents neural tube defects. Was my sickness going to cause me to have an unhealthy baby? Plus, like it or not, happy to be pregnant or not, being sick ALL the time, spending evening after evening with your head in the toilet and not feeling much better the next morning is exhausting. I found my normal every day non-optional tasks like feeding the horses and letting the dogs out exhausting.

Enter a prescription for Diclectin. I struggled with whether or not I should take it. For one, what if it did something to the developing baby? I was trying very very hard not to take anything unless absolutely needed.

Then there was a guilt issue. The sickness is a sign that everything is OK. I should be happy about being pregnant, I should be HAPPY to be sick! And I'm taking the easy way out and taking a pill.

The pills make be very tired. I'm allowed to take up to four a day, and I'm only taking one. They knock me flat out. But they help with the sickness. I have eaten REAL non-toast suppers every night this week. I'm back to taking my prenatals. And apparently the drowsiness will subside in time.

And this covers the beginning to the pregnancy to today. I am in the last day of my 8th week.

Grieving and moving forward

I went through all the normal stages of grief, but all in all I would say I handled it pretty well. The doctor gave us the go ahead to start trying again as soon as I had had one regular cycle, and I was counting the days.

Unfortunately, I bled for two months after I miscarried. I finally had enough, convinced my OB to see me again and sure enough I stopped bleeding the day of the appointment. An ultrasound showed that everything was back to normal, and he told me we could start trying on the next cycle.

I have witnessed Todd grieve a loss before, so I had an idea of what to expect from him. Todd deals with crisis like an old Oak Tree in a hurricane. When everyone else is being blown away by the chaos, he digs in his roots and stands strong, providing shelter and something solid for people to hang on to. When the storm is over however, he's lost few main branches, and as everyone else goes back to their routines, he goes into shock.

We had a burial. We buried the baby by our old oak tree in the back field, right near the horse pasture. I like to think that Constantine looks after him. That horse has a strong protective spirit.

Once my system had finally regulated itself, we were ready to try again. We didn't expect to get pregnant right away, and were prepared for the fact that most people have try for some time before it works. However we were very fortunate and conceived again on the first cycle.

And a new pregnancy was born.

A little bit about the last time. (Some graphic content)

So, I'm not going to write too much about the last pregnancy, but since this is a blog about being pregnant after a loss, I feel it's important to acknowledge the loss. So here it goes.

My wonderful husband and I decided at the spur of the moment to "give it a go" last August. There was no ovulation tracking or date counting, and I don't think either of us expected a positive, but a few weeks later I noticed my boobs were killing me, and thinking back, I was a little late. I ran to the store the same day for a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I took another one to be sure, and I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was. Excited, and simultaneously petrified to tell Todd.

That fear melted away, when as soon as I broke the news he was as excited as I was. I immediately became a glowing proud expectant mom-to-be, and by weeks end all of our friends and family knew.

In the following weeks I researched my butt off to make sure that I was doing everything right. I only had a very small amount of nausea, so diet wasn't an issue. I ate healthy, avoided anything that wasn't 100% approved for pregnancy, started an exercise regime, watched myself around the horses and Todd and my dad took over any chores that involved heavy lifting.

It's hard to explain, but there was a little something in the back of my head that had me worried. I spoke about it with my best friend, who's response was "What are you worried about? You're young and healthy and doing everything right!" I decided to ignore the little voice as just me being hormonal and unsure of what was what. I religiously tracked the progress of baby's size and development. Baby is now he size of a pea! Baby is the size of an olive! Baby is the size of a small lime! Todd and I picked baby names, window-shopped for cribs and changing tables, and every night he fell asleep with his hand on my belly. We were completely in love with our baby-to-be and with the prospect of becoming parents.

I don't think I'll ever forget the miscarriage. A week earlier, I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting anymore. A day earlier, I had a huge cramp, followed by another huge cramp a couple of hours later. It made me nervous, but everything I researched told me some cramping was normal and not to worry if it wasn't accompanied by blood.

The day I started to miscarry, Todd and I were out shopping. We were walking around Staples, and I got a sharp cramp, and it went away. About 15 minutes later, another sharp cramp, and it went away. We went to the grocery store, and I got another sharp cramp. As we were walking around, the cramps became more and more frequent, and sharper. I felt a gush, and ran to the bathroom, to be greeted with a large about of bright red blood. I tried not to break down right then and there. I left the bathroom, found Todd, and as calmly as I could told him we needed to go to the hospital.

We spent the night in the ER, which was a little bit pointless. They found me a bed, but there was only one doctor on staff, and since I wasn't going through anything life threatening, I was at the bottom of the list. I only got to see the doctor at 4 in the morning. Todd was a star the whole time. He was calm, and collected. He found nurses for me when I needed one, and he brought me juice from the vending machine.

When the doctor finally saw me, she refused to do an ultrasound, even though the machine was right there. I don't think she wanted to be the one to tell me there was nothing living in my uterus. I did convince her to use the Doppler, and she *thought* she heard a heartbeat, so we went home with some hope. The bleeding had slowed significantly, and I had an OB appointment in a couple of days anyways, so maybe we were OK.

The following day was filled with stories of family and friends who experienced bleeding during their pregnancies, but managed to carry healthy full term babies. We had hope. That hope disappeared on the night of October 15th. Mom had come up to help take care of me, and I started bleeding and cramping again very heavily. When the miscarriage was complete, there was no doubt anymore as to what had happened. Todd wrapped up our baby and we saved him for burial. Flushing him down the toilet or throwing him in the garbage was not an option for either of us.

At the OB the next day, the ultrasound confirmed that there was nothing but a small amount of placenta left in my uterus. It was the final confirmation, and it hit Todd hard. I was prescribed apo-misoprostol to flush out the rest, and we started our journey of grieving and recovery.

Intro

So I've decided to start a blog, because every expectant mother book/website I read encourages one to track ones pregnancy in a journal. The idea being that it will be fun to read back on all the ups and down of pregnancy one day.

At first, I completely rejected this idea. I figured it would be a bit of a downer. Not because I'm not happy about being pregnant. I am ecstatic about being pregnant! But rather because my view of pregnancy after having suffered a miscarriage just a few months ago isn't all about being excited about the fetus development and arguing about names. Instead, despite my best efforts, it's about stressing over upcoming dates, trying not to compare this one to the last, and wondering if my boobs are as sore as they were the day before and what it might mean if they are not.

I decided I need a place to get it all out. And that perhaps other mom's-to-be who are giving it a second go while still recovering from a loss might enjoy relating to someone who understands that the biggest concern is not what color to paint the nursery, or which brand of maternity jeans to buy.

I invite you all to join me on my ups and downs, if you're up for the ride!