Trying to stay positive, forcing normality.

So this will be the last post for today.

Today, I am exactly 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I have my first OB appointment, and possible ultrasound in a week and a half. That will be, to the day, the time I started miscarrying last time.

This morning I got up and my boobs were killing me. I was very happy about that. I have been contemplating not taking my Diclectin today to make sure I'm still experiencing nausea. I realize this is an irrational thought, and I haven't committed to it. I'm sure if I spend my night bent over the toilet seat I'll regret the decision, and likewise, if I don't feel nauseous, I'll end up worrying. In fact, just writing it out here has convinced me to take it :)

When I tell people about my worries and concerns, the best advice (and it really is the best advice) anyone can give me seems to be "Try not to worry. This is a new pregnancy, and you have no control over what happens. What will be will be."

It's great advice, and likely the advice I would be offering me too. The problem is, it's insanely hard advice to follow. Two days ago I had some cramping. I was very difficult for me not to go into full panic mode. I am hyper aware of every little sensation in my body, and I am trying very hard not to question every little thing.

I do hope that in two and half weeks, once I have made it through the first appointment and sailed past the 10 week 4 day mark, I will be able to calm down a bit. I think it's normal to be nervous as I approach the point of the last miscarriage.

I did make a decision though yesterday as I was reflecting on all the emotions I've been going through lately.

I realized that I was bothered by the fact that other people don't seem as excited about this pregnancy. Everyone is scared that it's going to end badly. No one is baby-clothes shopping or touching my stomach to see if it's grown. I have decided that I WANT people to be excited, but that if I want people to be excited it has to start with me. I have to give myself permission to tell people that I had trouble doing up my jeans. I have to walk with Todd into the baby section at the store. I can initiate this change, and I plan to do so.