Wow, Time flies....

34 weeks. We are really in the home stretch.

Much has happened since the last time I posted, things here have been really busy :)

My OB appointments are going well, everything seems to be right on schedule. My weight gain is good, my belly measurements are good, and she has been head down now for about 3 weeks.

The movement at this point is pretty intense. Todd and I can sit around and watch my belly morph and move back and fourth... it's really quite exciting :)

We finished our prenatal classes which were immensely helpful. I am less scared about the delivery now than I was before, and I'm even going to make a valiant attempt at a natural birth (I know that these things don't always go as planned, but I'm going to give it a go.) We really learned a ton, and I have to say thanks to Lorraine at http://www.birthtobreastfeeding.ca/ for the amazing classes she put together.

A couple of weeks ago I had a surprise baby shower put on by Todd's mom and aunt. We are so incredibly spoiled.... I can't even begin to process how generous everyone was, and I can honestly say that We are completely stocked up save for a couple of small things, and our little girl will truly want for nothing thanks to the generosity of our family and friends. Here are a couple of pictures:

























































































And finally, the nursery is well under way. I won't get into too much detail on that right now, because it probably deserves it's own post... I'm HOPING we'll be able to start moving furniture in and decorating by the end of the week.

Baby's now the size of a honeydew!
Baby can recognize and react to simple songs...time to start practicing your lullabies! In fact, baby will recognize frequently sung tunes after birth and probably find them soothing. Less cute news: She now urinates about one pint per day. Get the diapers ready!

3/4 done!

So I'm 30 weeks this week. Which isn't really a milestone I suppose, but it is in my head :) Based on a 40 week gestation, that puts me at 75% done!

My OB appointments are every two weeks now. They're quick in and outs... pee in a cup, get my blood pressure taken, get on the scale, measure the belly, listen to the heartbeat and I'm done :) The last two appointments have involved a well meaning but not highly talented med-student. He's having a hard time with the belly measurements and finding the heartbeat, and my doctor was visibly less patient with him this time then last. He seems to be doing a lot of guessing. I somehow don't think that Obstetrics or Gynecology are in his future :)

Anyhow, everyone is still healthy. My weight gain is right on track (albeit on the low end of the track, but I had a little extra padding to start off with) My BP is fine and they never say anything about my pee, so I'm assuming it's all good. My belly was measuring at 29cm which is fine I'm told and though baby kicks the Doppler every time, her heart-rate is perfect :)

I am definitely feeling pregnant. My ever increasing belly is starting to make it difficult to do things like bend over or sit in certain positions. And I can only sleep on my sides now since it was discovered that babies heart rate drops when I lay on my back (and laying on my stomach is out for obvious reasons). I have a hard time breathing, get heartburn fairly frequently, have to pee non-stop and every time she moves lately it feels like she's taking an organ with her for the ride.

But I'm loving every minute of it :)

Even though the biggest stretch is done, I am growing more and more impatient to meet her. I can't wait to see what she looks like and find out what kind of personality she has. 67 (or so) more days....

And of course according to www.thebump.com:



Baby's now the size of a squash!
As baby's skin smoothes out, her brain just keeps getting more wrinkled. All those grooves and indentations increase surface area, meaning more room for that oh-so-essential brain tissue. She's also adding some brawn -- her grip is now strong enough to grasp a finger.

27 weeks, and some big news!

So we had several busy weeks which didn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging, so I apologize about that!

Todd and I joined his family for a weeks vacation in Disney. It was every bit as magical as I remember it being last time :) From a pregnant lady point of view, I actually handled the walking better than I thought I would... I did get very hot one day, thankfully there were plenty of air conditioned areas for me to go in and cool off. We adjusted our game plan the following days, retreating to the hotel during the hottest part of the day for a swim and hitting the parks again when things had cooled off a little :) I did find that by the end of the week I was swelling pretty badly. This was probably a combination of all the heat, walking, and sodium in the food. I was back to "normal" again a couple days after I got home.

A couple of days after we got back I had my next scheduled OB appointment. At our request, he did a quick ultrasound to see if he could determine the sex. Our little Muffin was FINALLY in the right position, so he was able to confirm that we are in fact having a little girl! We are exited to finally know, and that we don't have to refer to her as "it" anymore.

I had my one hour glucose test this week as well, and will likely get the results next Monday at my next OB appointment. We've also registered for our pre-natal classes, which start in July.

On the baby front, The third trimester is just week away. I'm feeling more and more distinct movement, and can usually "tell" how baby is positioned. My belly looks different on a day to day basis depending on how she's sitting :)

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So according to www.thebump.com:

Baby's now the size of an eggplant!
Baby's lungs are going through some major developments these days, which (combined with the opening of previously plugged nostrils) means he's now able to practice inhaling and exhaling. The lack of air in your womb means every "breath" is filled with amniotic fluid, but hey -- it's progress.

24 weeks

The past week has marked some obvious changes. For one, I now LOOK obviously pregnant (pics coming this week). To the point where I was chased down by a new dad in Walmart asking how far along I am. It's starting to get uncomfortable to sleep, but once i find a good position I'm out :) My hips hurt, I can't eat big meals because my uterus is pushing on my stomach, I get short of breath really quickly and my legs/feet are starting to swell. I'm also CONSTANTLY hungry.

However, even with all of that, I'm still feeling better than I did throughout my first tri :) I suppose I just feel pregnant.

Todd and I are heading to Disney on Friday with his family for a week! I can't wait, but I'm a little bit nervous about the heat, and all the walking and slowing people down.

No new vegetable this week, baby is still a papaya. But here's what the bump says about the development:

Baby's now the size of a papaya!
Baby's skin is becoming more opaque as the fat starts to pack on. And, thanks to the formation of small capillaries, her newly thick skin is taking on a fresh pink glow.

Feeling pregnant

So, we're a little over the 22 week mark. I apologize for skipping week 21... for those of you who are following the fruit size, last week was a banana ;)

A couple days ago for the first time a complete stranger asked how far along I was :) I guess I'm looking pregnant!

And I'm feeling more pregnant too. Aside from some light headedness, I feel great. Baby and uterus have migrated south mind you, giving my tummy and diaphragm less room. As a result I get short of breath really quickly, especially after a meal.

I'm feeling baby throughout the day now, and it's getting much stronger. Before the southward migration Todd and my mom got to feel some good kicks!

I had an OB appointment yesterday, and got some really great news! My placenta has moved up and it's right where it should be! He also cleared me for Disney, which is about two and a half weeks away! He did a quick ultrasound to see if he could determine the sex for me, but low and behold baby was sound asleep and in the wrong position ;) He said he'd try again next time :)

I'm getting nursery fever. I think that's going to become a priority when we get back from Disney.

So, 22 weeks and feeling great. I'm enjoying it because I know that soon the weight will really start to pack on and I'll get progressively more and more miserable, lol. I'm calling this my honeymoon.

And for those of you who are still interested, according to www.thebump.com:


Baby's now the size of a papaya!
Baby's settling into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.

20 weeks, ultrasounds and other updates :)

We had our anatomy scan last week and it was so much fun. We got to see little feet, and arms and legs and even a little bum.

Of course the muffin was playing coy and had their legs crossed the whole time :) Tech said she was leaning towards a girl but couldn't guarantee nothing was tucked up in there. Most of us have been leaning towards a girl since the beginning of this pregnancy, whereas last time I was strongly getting boy vibes. Of course, "vibes" aren't a good enough reason to go out and start buying either pink or blue, lol, so for now we continue to wait! We were thrilled to see all the limbs and heart and other important things in there though, knowing the sex would have just been a bonus.

My next OB appointment is on Thursday, and we should be discussing the results of the scan at that time. I'm looking forward to knowing whether or not my placenta has moved up at all, though I'm not really stressed either way.

Baby has been moving TONS this week, and I feel like I'm getting bigger by the day.

So here are the pictures of our adorable little monkey :)









































And from www.thebump.com:

Baby's now the size of a cantaloupe!
Baby gulps down several ounces of amniotic fluid every day, both for nutrition and to practice swallowing and digesting. And, these days, those taste buds actually work! Studies show that after birth, babies respond best to tastes they've already had via amniotic fluid. Meaning, think about what you'd like your future child to eat as you prepare your own lunch.

19 Weeks!

So the countdown to the anatomy scan is officially on :) 4 more days!

Until then, here is what baby's up to this week :)


Baby's now the size of a mango!
Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil, and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

Belly tracking! 18w 4d

I was shocked at how much bigger it got compared to the last one!

Still feeling kicks throughout the day, but the activity has shifted more to the morning :)

18 weeks and some changes!

One of the most exiting things about pregnancy, is feeling your little baby moving around. For the past 4 days or so, I have been feeling him/her more and more regularly. At first it was only in the evenings, when I was laying down and concentrating, but now it's several times throughout the day. It is really exciting, and I get a little bit giddy every time!

Unfortunately, it's not strong enough for Todd to feel just yet... I know he can't wait!

So Saturday put us at 18 weeks. We have our anatomy ultrasound in just over a week, and our next OB appointment in just over two weeks. Spring is in the air and I'm feeling good!

According to www.thebump.com:


Baby's now the size of a sweet potato!
Baby's become amazingly mobile (compared to you, at least), passing the hours yawning, hiccupping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking, and swallowing. And baby is finally big enough that you'll soon be able to feel her movements.

17 weeks

This will be a quick-to-the-point post :)

Still waiting for a call for the anatomy scan... and trying to be patient!

Saturday we hit 17 weeks. So here's your update from www.thebump.com:



Baby's now the size of an onion!
Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. His umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and those little fingers and toes now feature one-of-a-kind prints.

Today's appointment

So today's appointment was relatively uneventful. Which is a good thing I suppose! He got some of my bloodwork back, and I guess everyting looked good other than apparently I'll need a Rubella vaccine and a Hepatitis booster (which they will apparently give me in the hospital after baby is born.)

He put my official date at 16 weeks, 3 days, and my due date at September 10th. No ultrasound today but we did get to hear the heartbeat which was fun (and comforting!)

I should be called by the hospital for the anatomy scan (ultrasound to make sure everything is there and find out the sex) within two weeks. I hope baby co-operates, because I REALLY can't wait to find out if we're going to have a son or a daughter :)

Next appointment is April 27th.

16 weeks!

So, the second trimester is really shaping up to be much better than the first. While I'm still tired in the afternoons, it's not nearly as bad, and the nausea is getting better by the day.

The food cravings have gotten more intense. Right now it's Skittles and Mini-Wheats (not together!) I have Mini Wheats several times a day.

We have our Second OB appointment on Wednesday, and we'll hopefully be finding out when the sexing ultrasound will be! I'm very very eager to know if we're having a son or a daughter :)

So according to www.thebump.com:



Baby's now the size of an avocado!
Watch what you say...tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean she can now pick up your voice. A few more minuscule changes: Eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming.

15 Weeks

Well, the nausea seems to be subsiding. I'm still throwing up almost every day, usually around midnight, but I'm not nauseous for long before or after.

I have another round of blood tests on Wednesday, and then the following Monday we have our next OB appointment. So exciting!

So, according to www.thebump.com:


Baby's now the size of a naval orange!
Continuing the march toward normal proportions, baby's legs now out-measure his arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably can't feel the movements just yet.

Belly tracking!

This morning while I was making my coffee, my mom shouted excitedly at the fact that when I turned sideways she could see a belly. I guess that's as good a reason as any to post a picture of it :)

So here am, somewhere in the middle of my 14th week.

Shopping!

After the previous serious post, I figured I should talk about something a little lighter :)

Todd, myself, Todd's mom and Auntie Debbie will be heading over to Messena this weekend to do some shopping. Now, I don't know that we'll necessarily buy anything yet, but I'm still eager to start looking and making lists of what we like and what we'll need. Auntie Debbie very generously bought us a pack and play last week which was one of my "must have" items. Todd thinks it's the one below or similar to it, but we haven't seen it yet :) We'll need to figure out what kind of stroller we want, what kind of car seat we'd like, and a million and one other things I'm sure I haven't even thought of.

It's supposed to be a warm sunny weekend, and I'm looking forward to it!

Who does a pregnant woman's body belong to?

I recently read about two situations in the states that had me pretty angered. The first was about a woman who was forcefully put on bed-rest against her wishes in order to try to prevent a miscarriage. She showed signs of early miscarriage and when her doctor ordered bed-rest, she opted instead to get a second opinion. Being the mother of two toddlers and needing to work to support the family made bed-rest a near impossibility for her. Well, she was ordered not only to bed-rest, but also to stay at a hospital and follow any treatment the doctor deemed necessary. She ended up having a c-section a couple days later to remove the dead baby.

The second scenario involved a woman who fell down the stairs late in her second trimester and while in the hospital to have the baby checked on she confided in the nurse that early on she had contemplated abortion because she and the babies father had split up. The nurse and doctor decided to call the cops for attempted feticide, saying that the woman threw herself down the stair intentionally in order to try to terminate the pregnancy. The woman was arrested and spent two nights in jail.

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One thing I have noticed since I've become pregnant, and I don't know if it's worse because I had a miscarriage, but it seems that everyone thinks that they have the right/responsibility to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate advice, and I love that people care about me. But anyone who knows me knows that I am anal retentive about researching everything, and that I'm not going to make any decision about what I can and can't do during this pregnancy without reading about the pros and cons first. I think people should know me well enough to know that I am not going to make decision that will put the baby at risk.

I fully understand and accept that there are some things I might do that other people wouldn't do. Being vegetarian for example. I know that it's really hard for people who have spent their lives eating meat, who don't fully understand the range of foods that I do eat to "get" that I can be vegetarian AND healthy. What I find hypocritical, is that if I was a meat eater but lived on Kraft Dinner and chicken nuggets, I probably wouldn't have half the people questioning my diet as I do now even though I promise my diet is better rounded than the one I just mentioned. I do get that many people don't understand that being vegetarian doesn't mean eating the same way I did before, but just eliminating the meat. If I did that, yes, I would be deficient in something I'm sure. I don't expect people to spend hours researching it and understanding it, but I do expect them to understand that I have spent hours researching it and understanding it, and trust that I will make the right decisions for myself and my child.

The other issue (of course) is horses. I have had people suggest that I basically shouldn't get withing 100' of my boys. The fear being that horses might carry some kind of baby-killing bacteria that I will catch, or that I might end up getting run over or trampled by them or who knows what. People and horses have been living side by side (And yes, people reproduced during these times) for thousands of years. I know my horses, I know what is safe and what is not, and I am aware of my own physical limitations. That said, I fully intend to start riding Lou again when my placenta moves to a better location. I'll be putting the bareback pad away and using my saddle to be safe. I'm not going to break Constantine this spring, because I'm not dumb enough to get on a green horse even if he's the steadiest horse in the world. I don't recommend that people who are pregnant get on a horse for the first time... But I've been riding for years, I know my horse, I know my limitations and meandering around the back field at a leisurely pace is not going to cause any problems. Research shows that the action associated with riding is not dangerous to the baby, and that the danger comes with the risk of falling, and I will be riding in a way that minimizes that risk. It's a way for me to keep my sanity and stay in shape, and ultimately, it's my choice.

So, got that off my chest :)

The relation between what I just posted and the stories I outlined above is that we seem to think in our society that when a woman becomes pregnant, her life and her choices are no longer hers to make. Obviously there is a difference between a well meaning friend or family member telling me I'm being neglectful for not eating steak and a woman being arrested for falling down the stairs. However there is a connection between the sentiments behind it. Somehow in this society we feel a pregnant woman's life is no longer hers alone. That somehow we have the right to start dictating how she should spend her time, what kind of medical decisions she can make, what she should eat... I admit to being guilty of this on some level in the past. I have looked on in disgust and even made comments to complete strangers who were pregnant and doing something (smoking for example) that I thought would be harmful to their baby. As someone who puts a lot of thought and research into every decision I make, I find it annoying at best and downright insulting at worst when I am accused of being neglectful of by baby's wellbeing. But the bigger picture is that on a moral level, it's downright scary. I can tell you right now that if I disagreed with some advice my doctor gave me and wanted a second opinion, I would fully expect that it was within my rights to do so. If I found myself being held and treated against my will... I'm not even sure I can express how angry that would make me.

So do me a favor, and think about this next time you see a pregnant woman doing something you wouldn't personally do. Whether that be lifting a heavy bag of dog food, or smoking a cigarette. Her life is her life, and not yours. The baby in her belly doesn't change that, and doesn't give anyone else the right to make her choices for her.

14 weeks, and Spring :)

I always love the changing of the seasons. For several weeks now, our doves have been busy building their nests in preparation for their soon to be expanding families. We are lucky enough to have a family of doves who come back to roost right next to our bedroom window every year. From March until October, I get to hear them sing every morning. I never get sick of it.

The temps are high enough to be melting the snow, and grass is starting to peak through. Daylight savings time this weekend has pretty much turned me into a Zombie in the mornings, but the fact that we have sunlight till 7:00 in the evenings makes up for that. The horses don't need as much hay to keep warm anymore, and they've started shedding their winter coats in big clumps. In a few more weeks I'll be able to go out there and help them brush them off, trading in their soft fluffy winter jackets for sleek shiny summer coats.

At the same time as spring is rolling in, I'm noticing some exciting changes in myself. For one, I am feeling much better. I don't need to take my Diclectin on a daily basis anymore, and even though I'm still throwing up from time to time, I am not constantly nauseous which is allowing me to get back to being myself. The fatigue is sill there, but not being worsened by the Diclectin either, so that's a bonus.

My tummy is definitely changing as well. It may not be 100% obvious to other people yet, but it is very obvious to me. And even though they say it's too early, I'm almost positive I felt some movement while I was laying down yesterday. It was very exciting!

Todd's mom and Auntie Debbie went baby-stuff shopping on Saturday :) They called us from Sears, very excited, and Todd got off the phone giddy. It fun to see people's attitudes and stresses about this pregnancy start to melt away, and it's great that everyone, including myself are able to be excited about it.

Our next OB appointment is on the 28th, and I'm really looking forward to it.

So, according to www.thebump.com:


Baby's now the size of a lemon!
Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine, and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys, and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over her body for warmth.

13 weeks

The interesting thing about having a baby that's measuring big is that I essentially skipped a week of pregnancy. Which is kinda cool.

Based on the measurements at last weeks ultrasound, I am around the 13 week mark right now. Second trimester! Hopefully soon the nausea and extreme fatigue will get a little better.

Chris and Esther came up with the boys today. It's always so nice to have them here. Esther brought me goodies which is awesome, and I've had to try pretty hard not to eat them all in one day!

I'm definitely noticing more and more of a belly :) It might not be super obvious to anyone but me yet, but I see it and I feel it and I can't lay on my stomach anymore without being uncomfortable.

So, week 13 (from www.thebump.com)



Baby's now the size of a peach!
Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords...savor this, their nonfunctional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with his head now only one third the size of his body. And intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy -- much more convenient.

Breaking the news... When is the right time?

You hear this discussion a lot in the world of pregnancy.

This post is going to be a wild ride, and will probably go off on a few tangents. I'll bake you cookies if you hang in till the end, I promise I'll bring it all together!

When is the right time to tell people? Traditionally, one waits until the 12 week mark when the risk or miscarriage has gone down considerably.

With the first pregnancy, we told people pretty much right away. Partly because we were so excited that we were practically exploding, and partly becasue I honestly think that neither of us truely understood how common miscarriages are. After all, I'm young, healthy, my mom had three healthy pregnancies, and I was doing everything by the book! Miscarriages happen, but it was unlikely it would happen to me.

The Miscarriage was a shock. But what was almost as shocking as the miscarriage itself was HOW MANY PEOPLE reached out to me to tell me they had gone through the same thing. Young, healthy women who had done everything right.

It's estimated that 20 to 25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That's 1/4 or 1/5. That is a lot of pregnancies. Going into the first pregnancy, I had no idea just how common this was.

That's part of the reason I started this blog. When I was going through my first miscarriage, I felt like I was a failure. Like I was defective somehow. Like I was unable to make a healthy baby. To add insult to injury, it seemed that most everyone I knew was pregnant. So while people were complaining via facebook status of their morning sickness or their swollen ankles, here I was, unable to reach that point.

I can't tell you how much I appreciated people sharing their own personal stories with me. People who reached out and said "I've been there too". People I thought I knew well, but didn't know about that. The 1 in 4 number started to make more sense. I wasn't defective, I wasn't a failure, this happens a lot. I wanted to start this blog not only as a way to share my pregnancy with family and friends who want updates, but also because I HOPE that women who are pregnant for the first time might eventually read this and get an understanding of just how common miscarriages are.

My goal isn't to scare people, or put a dark cloud over the experience. My goal is for people to go into things with a knowledge of the possibilities so if they DO end up falling into the very high percentage of women who at some point experience a miscarriage, that they will know that they aren't broken or a failure or defective. I feel like miscarriages are pregnancies dirty little secret that no one wants to hear about or talk about until after it's happened. I feel like there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with it, and I want to help shine a light on how common and normal it actually is.

(That was the tangent I talked about earlier. Now back to the original topic!)

So if as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, when is the right time to tell people?

Well, there's no right or wrong answer. But I'll share my views with you anyways.

For this pregnancy, because I had just miscarried, my first reaction was to wait to tell people. I mean what if I miscarried again! Todd and I decided together that we wanted to tell our "support team". This consisted of our immediate family, a couple of very close friends, and the waitress at our local sushi restaurant. (Don't ask!) A couple more people found out along the way, mostly because they asked me straight out and I'm a pretty bad liar when put on the spot.

As the pregnancy progressed, I started giving things a little more thought. Why were we actually holding back this information? Why couldn't I allow my family and friends to share in the joy and excitement of the pregnancy, and in the loss in a worst case scenario? How would people knowing or not knowing make things any better or worse if we lost this pregnancy too?

After thinking about all these things, and remembering all the supportive and touching e-mails I got from my aunts and cousins after the miscarriage, it suddenly seemed less important to keep the information from people. At the same time, I felt like somehow "not wanting people to know" if I had a miscarriage carried a lot of shame... and shame perpetuates the feelings of guilt and inadequacy. At around 7 or 8 weeks I can honestly say that I personally was completely emotionally ready to tell people. I was tired of hiding, I was annoyed by the "Hush hush" shameful feeling surround my miscarriage, and I was tired of walking on eggshells. Everything I read, everything I was told was that it was NOT MY FAULT, there was nothing I could have done differently, and keeping this secret somehow made me feel not only like I couldn't really enjoy and celebrate this pregnancy properly but also like miscarriage was something to be ashamed of.

Ultimately though, this is not my baby alone, and I could tell that Todd had not reached the same emotional epiphany as I had. Mostly I think the difference was that Todd has a really hard time talking about the loss of our first child and I didn't. My pain wasn't amplified or reduced by talking about it. It hurt like a bitch, and nothing was going to change that but time. However, I understood and respected that for Todd, at least part of the fear was being asked by people how the pregnancy was going only to have to tell them that we lost the baby.

At the same time, we do both have grandparents who took this hard. My main thought was for Oma, who is naturally such a worrier, extremely empathetic and not in very good health. I didn't want her to be constantly worrying about whether or not I was going to lose this one, and if I did miscarry again, I didn't want her to have to deal with the emotions that come with it.

So we decided to wait, until 12 weeks, and after the NT scan.

The best advice I can offer people who are wondering when they should spread the news, is to listen to yourself. This is one of those many things about pregnancy (and eventually parenthood) that everyone will have an opinion about, but I think it's important to discuss it with your Significant Other and come up with a plan you're both comfortable with. Don't listen to tradition, don't listen to your neighbor or anyone else. There is no right or wrong way to do it, you just have to consider all the factors and decide what you feel is best for you.

Here are your cookies for making it all the way through!

11 weeks! Errrr... 12 weeks?

So I had my second NT scan today. I had one on Thursday but they were unable to get the measurements they needed.

Thursday Todd came with, and it was so much fun. Baby was wide awake and jumping around like a monkey in there. I was great to see.

Today, mom came which was also awesome! As soon as the u/s started mom saw a very clear hand (I missed it!). It was a bit more detailed today, it's amazing how much things change in just a couple of days. While baby wasn't as active as Thursday, there was still some movement, a few arms flying up for questions and all that.

CRL was 55mm, BPD was 19mm and NT was 1.4mm. The tech didn't explain any of that to me (they are sending everything to the doctors) but google tells me anything under 3mm for the NT is good, so that's cool.

Now as far as the CRL of 55mm... that would put me at exactly 12 weeks! So, am I 12 weeks? Not sure, I guess when I go back to the doctors he'll go over all that with me.

In the meantime, I'll post both of these. According to www.thebump.com:



Baby's now the size of a lime!
Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through it. But fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds, and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.







Baby's now the size of a plum!
As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of her systems are fully formed.

The shift.

This week has been a big one for me. Several things have happened, and all of them good.

Firstly, as of today, I am officially more pregnant than I ever have been! We passed the dreaded date of 10 weeks 4 days, and everything is still looking good. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that I'm out of the woods just yet. Plus there's that whole low-laying placenta thing... But never the less, I'm feeling good about this.

Obviously seeing baby's heartbeat was a big big deal. It kinda drove home the fact that there is a little living growing person inside me. I have another Ultrasound today at the hospital, for an official dating, and I'm really looking forward to seeing baby again.

Also, I'm officially in maternity jeans! OK, maybe I don't really NEED them yet, but dammit, they're comfy. So there.

Lastly, my nausea seems to be subsiding. This is big. It's really hard to completely comprehend how draining it is to be nauseous and throwing up all the time. Even though the Diclectin GREATLY improved things for me, I still didn't really feel "well". It's hard to be really excited about being pregnant when all you can think about is not losing your last meal.

All of these things this week have started a shift for me. A shift from worry to excitement. From fear to love. I'm feeling less like the girl who had a miscarriage, and more like the girl who is pregnant. And that's a really nice feeling.

Breathing a little easier!

Yesterday we had our first OB appointment. Todd and I were surprisingly calm about the whole thing.

We got there a couple of minutes early. I peed in a cup, got weighed, had my blood pressure taken, sat in a private room and answered a bunch of questions, was given an armload of free baby things (Yay for corporate sponsors?) and sat back down. When the doc called us in and he told me to hop up on the ultrasound table, my heart started beating really fast. It was the moment of truth.

It took him some time to find the heartbeat. When he first started looking, he said "Well, there is definitely a pregnancy..." followed by lots of silence. I started to get nervous. "Are you sure you didn't have ANY bleeding?" he asked. I started to shake. "Positive" I managed to spit out. More silence. I was [ ] that close to having a full blown panic attack. "OK, there's the heartbeat!" he said. The tech must have been holding her breath, or sensed my panic, because I'm pretty sure she "squee!"ed out loud. I looked at the screen, and didn't see anything discernible, so I asked him to point it out to me. And sure enough, like a little blip on the radar, was our baby's little beating heart.
























I was immediately overcome with a mix of relief (for myself and Todd) and love for the little person on the screen, and I started crying. The doctor showed us where the head was, and where the legs were, and told us that baby was measuring 11 weeks and a day, almost a week ahead of schedule.

So, with all that said and done, everything looks good! Apparently my placenta looks like it's attached a bit low, hence why he was asking about the bleeding. Bad timing doc, bad timing. My research tells me that tis is fairly common in early pregnancy (20-30% of pregnancies) and that 99% of the time the placenta migrates into a better location by week 20, and out of the remaining 1% only one in four will have a placenta that covers the cervix and causes complications with labour. (Thanks google!) Anyhow, I'm to take it easy for a few weeks (till 14 weeks) but other than that, so far so good!

Ten weeks

I can't beleive the dreaded week ten is already here!

I should be a mess, I suppose. But for some reason I'm not. Hopefully that reason is instinct that everything is OK.

It's a big week this week.

A side from being the week I lost the baby last time, we also have our first OB appt on Tuesday, and come Thursday, I will officially be more pregnant than I ever have been.

I'm actually more nervous about the OB appointment that I am about spontaneously miscarrying. I've heard of far too many people who go for that first ultrasound positive that they're going to see a little heartbeat, and instead they find out that they have essentially become a tomb. I'm going to be a nervous wreck on Tuesday.

That's the thing about being PAL. You have a very real understanding that these little fetuses are very fragile, and that even if you do everything right things can still go very very wrong.

The good news is, I'm still puking, I'm still having very vivid dreams, and my boobs are still killing me.

So, about baby this week! (From thebump.com)

Baby's now the size of a prune!
With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will start working too.)

I'm not very good at waiting.

Just ask my parents :)

I am horrible about waiting for things I'm looking forward to. Waiting actually creates some kind of very real anxiety in me. I've been working on it for a long time, but even though I've gotten better, I'm still no good at it.

This week has CRAWLED by. Because I'm waiting for next week. Today is Thursday. Tomorrow I have class, then it's the weekend (which always goes fast, right?) then one day and then it's my appointment.

I don't know yet if I'm going to have an ultrasound, but I think I'm going to beg for one if they don't offer. I'll be pretty disappointed if I don't get one.

In other news, last night despite having taken my Diclectin, I was violently ill. So I guess the hormones are still going up :) Today I'm doubling my dose of Diclectin.

By this time next week if all goes well I will officially be more pregnant than I ever have been.

I can't wait.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This weekend seemed to be just what I needed to get out of my funk :)

Mom came up, and we went shopping. Kevin came up, and Chris and Esther came, Esther made us an awesome Chinese New Year supper, and of course my two nephews never fail to put a smile on my face. Baby Thomas is three months old, and just a smiley, giggly little monkey. He also recently learned to roll over, which is so funny that Todd even video taped it. Leave it to a baby to make rolling-over cute :)

Mom bought me what I suppose I can consider my first maternity shirt. It's not a maternity shirt per say, but it will be comfy when I have a belly, and perfect for Disney at the end of May. We also browsed (but didn't buy!) the baby clothes section at Winners. All I can say is if we have a girl, I'm in trouble. SOOOOO much adorable stuff. So much. If it's a girl, I'm totally screwed :P

Last night I was really nauseous even with the Diclectin. I'm only taking one a day, even though I'm technically allowed up to four... As the hormones increase I may have to end up increasing my dosage as well. I suppose I am a wuss... back in the day, before Diclectin, women had to suffer through this nonsense. I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. The three weeks of constant sickness drained me so much, I can't imagine going through it for nine months!

Our OB appointment is just over a week away. It's going to be long week... I am simultaneously beyond excited at seeing our little one and getting confirmation that everything is OK, and petrified of the small chance that it might not be.

Sigh.

"Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby"

Nine Weeks

Every Saturday marks the beginning of a new week in my pregnancy. Today is the beginning of week 9!

I'm feeling a little bit better (mood wise) than I was yesterday. Apparently mood swings are to be expected, so I'll try not to get after myself to much for being down once in awhile.

Today feels like a positive day! My mom and little bro are coming up to visit, which is always nice.

So here's what's in store for baby this week (From thebump.com):

Baby's now the size of a green olive!
Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

Trying to stay positive, forcing normality.

So this will be the last post for today.

Today, I am exactly 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I have my first OB appointment, and possible ultrasound in a week and a half. That will be, to the day, the time I started miscarrying last time.

This morning I got up and my boobs were killing me. I was very happy about that. I have been contemplating not taking my Diclectin today to make sure I'm still experiencing nausea. I realize this is an irrational thought, and I haven't committed to it. I'm sure if I spend my night bent over the toilet seat I'll regret the decision, and likewise, if I don't feel nauseous, I'll end up worrying. In fact, just writing it out here has convinced me to take it :)

When I tell people about my worries and concerns, the best advice (and it really is the best advice) anyone can give me seems to be "Try not to worry. This is a new pregnancy, and you have no control over what happens. What will be will be."

It's great advice, and likely the advice I would be offering me too. The problem is, it's insanely hard advice to follow. Two days ago I had some cramping. I was very difficult for me not to go into full panic mode. I am hyper aware of every little sensation in my body, and I am trying very hard not to question every little thing.

I do hope that in two and half weeks, once I have made it through the first appointment and sailed past the 10 week 4 day mark, I will be able to calm down a bit. I think it's normal to be nervous as I approach the point of the last miscarriage.

I did make a decision though yesterday as I was reflecting on all the emotions I've been going through lately.

I realized that I was bothered by the fact that other people don't seem as excited about this pregnancy. Everyone is scared that it's going to end badly. No one is baby-clothes shopping or touching my stomach to see if it's grown. I have decided that I WANT people to be excited, but that if I want people to be excited it has to start with me. I have to give myself permission to tell people that I had trouble doing up my jeans. I have to walk with Todd into the baby section at the store. I can initiate this change, and I plan to do so.

A new pregnancy

I took the HPT a week before my period was due. I got a very faint positive. I waited two more days, took another one and the positive was clear.

This time around, the excitement was immediately mixed with fear. What if I was unable to carry a baby to term? What if I miscarried again? What if I can never have children?

We told our parents and immediate family right away. The idea being that they were such a strong support system the last time, that IF something goes wrong again we'd like them to be there.

People's reactions varied from pure excitement, to cautious optimism. I admit I was hoping for pure excitement all around. I had enough caution and worry for all of us, and I was hoping that everyone's positive attitudes would help convince me that it would be OK this time.

This pregnancy is very differant than the last. At first, I was worried tha maybe I wasn't really pregnant. Maybe there was residual hCG left in my system from the last pregnancy that had tricked the HPTs. When I went for My beta's, my levels were at 1800. Anything over 5 is considered pregnant, so I was able to put that irrational fear to bed. Then, the morning sickness started. Or as my SIL calls is, "All the time sickness". At first I was positively giddy. I mean, THIS is what a normal pregnancy is like, right? The constant vomiting the aversion to food, the extreme exhaustion, the super-human sense of smell....

But the sickness brought on another set of worries. I was unable to keep down anything nutritionally sound. I was living on toast, and I couldn't even keep my pre-natal vitamin down. Everyone stresses the importance of pre-natals. The folic acid prevents neural tube defects. Was my sickness going to cause me to have an unhealthy baby? Plus, like it or not, happy to be pregnant or not, being sick ALL the time, spending evening after evening with your head in the toilet and not feeling much better the next morning is exhausting. I found my normal every day non-optional tasks like feeding the horses and letting the dogs out exhausting.

Enter a prescription for Diclectin. I struggled with whether or not I should take it. For one, what if it did something to the developing baby? I was trying very very hard not to take anything unless absolutely needed.

Then there was a guilt issue. The sickness is a sign that everything is OK. I should be happy about being pregnant, I should be HAPPY to be sick! And I'm taking the easy way out and taking a pill.

The pills make be very tired. I'm allowed to take up to four a day, and I'm only taking one. They knock me flat out. But they help with the sickness. I have eaten REAL non-toast suppers every night this week. I'm back to taking my prenatals. And apparently the drowsiness will subside in time.

And this covers the beginning to the pregnancy to today. I am in the last day of my 8th week.

Grieving and moving forward

I went through all the normal stages of grief, but all in all I would say I handled it pretty well. The doctor gave us the go ahead to start trying again as soon as I had had one regular cycle, and I was counting the days.

Unfortunately, I bled for two months after I miscarried. I finally had enough, convinced my OB to see me again and sure enough I stopped bleeding the day of the appointment. An ultrasound showed that everything was back to normal, and he told me we could start trying on the next cycle.

I have witnessed Todd grieve a loss before, so I had an idea of what to expect from him. Todd deals with crisis like an old Oak Tree in a hurricane. When everyone else is being blown away by the chaos, he digs in his roots and stands strong, providing shelter and something solid for people to hang on to. When the storm is over however, he's lost few main branches, and as everyone else goes back to their routines, he goes into shock.

We had a burial. We buried the baby by our old oak tree in the back field, right near the horse pasture. I like to think that Constantine looks after him. That horse has a strong protective spirit.

Once my system had finally regulated itself, we were ready to try again. We didn't expect to get pregnant right away, and were prepared for the fact that most people have try for some time before it works. However we were very fortunate and conceived again on the first cycle.

And a new pregnancy was born.

A little bit about the last time. (Some graphic content)

So, I'm not going to write too much about the last pregnancy, but since this is a blog about being pregnant after a loss, I feel it's important to acknowledge the loss. So here it goes.

My wonderful husband and I decided at the spur of the moment to "give it a go" last August. There was no ovulation tracking or date counting, and I don't think either of us expected a positive, but a few weeks later I noticed my boobs were killing me, and thinking back, I was a little late. I ran to the store the same day for a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I took another one to be sure, and I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was. Excited, and simultaneously petrified to tell Todd.

That fear melted away, when as soon as I broke the news he was as excited as I was. I immediately became a glowing proud expectant mom-to-be, and by weeks end all of our friends and family knew.

In the following weeks I researched my butt off to make sure that I was doing everything right. I only had a very small amount of nausea, so diet wasn't an issue. I ate healthy, avoided anything that wasn't 100% approved for pregnancy, started an exercise regime, watched myself around the horses and Todd and my dad took over any chores that involved heavy lifting.

It's hard to explain, but there was a little something in the back of my head that had me worried. I spoke about it with my best friend, who's response was "What are you worried about? You're young and healthy and doing everything right!" I decided to ignore the little voice as just me being hormonal and unsure of what was what. I religiously tracked the progress of baby's size and development. Baby is now he size of a pea! Baby is the size of an olive! Baby is the size of a small lime! Todd and I picked baby names, window-shopped for cribs and changing tables, and every night he fell asleep with his hand on my belly. We were completely in love with our baby-to-be and with the prospect of becoming parents.

I don't think I'll ever forget the miscarriage. A week earlier, I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting anymore. A day earlier, I had a huge cramp, followed by another huge cramp a couple of hours later. It made me nervous, but everything I researched told me some cramping was normal and not to worry if it wasn't accompanied by blood.

The day I started to miscarry, Todd and I were out shopping. We were walking around Staples, and I got a sharp cramp, and it went away. About 15 minutes later, another sharp cramp, and it went away. We went to the grocery store, and I got another sharp cramp. As we were walking around, the cramps became more and more frequent, and sharper. I felt a gush, and ran to the bathroom, to be greeted with a large about of bright red blood. I tried not to break down right then and there. I left the bathroom, found Todd, and as calmly as I could told him we needed to go to the hospital.

We spent the night in the ER, which was a little bit pointless. They found me a bed, but there was only one doctor on staff, and since I wasn't going through anything life threatening, I was at the bottom of the list. I only got to see the doctor at 4 in the morning. Todd was a star the whole time. He was calm, and collected. He found nurses for me when I needed one, and he brought me juice from the vending machine.

When the doctor finally saw me, she refused to do an ultrasound, even though the machine was right there. I don't think she wanted to be the one to tell me there was nothing living in my uterus. I did convince her to use the Doppler, and she *thought* she heard a heartbeat, so we went home with some hope. The bleeding had slowed significantly, and I had an OB appointment in a couple of days anyways, so maybe we were OK.

The following day was filled with stories of family and friends who experienced bleeding during their pregnancies, but managed to carry healthy full term babies. We had hope. That hope disappeared on the night of October 15th. Mom had come up to help take care of me, and I started bleeding and cramping again very heavily. When the miscarriage was complete, there was no doubt anymore as to what had happened. Todd wrapped up our baby and we saved him for burial. Flushing him down the toilet or throwing him in the garbage was not an option for either of us.

At the OB the next day, the ultrasound confirmed that there was nothing but a small amount of placenta left in my uterus. It was the final confirmation, and it hit Todd hard. I was prescribed apo-misoprostol to flush out the rest, and we started our journey of grieving and recovery.

Intro

So I've decided to start a blog, because every expectant mother book/website I read encourages one to track ones pregnancy in a journal. The idea being that it will be fun to read back on all the ups and down of pregnancy one day.

At first, I completely rejected this idea. I figured it would be a bit of a downer. Not because I'm not happy about being pregnant. I am ecstatic about being pregnant! But rather because my view of pregnancy after having suffered a miscarriage just a few months ago isn't all about being excited about the fetus development and arguing about names. Instead, despite my best efforts, it's about stressing over upcoming dates, trying not to compare this one to the last, and wondering if my boobs are as sore as they were the day before and what it might mean if they are not.

I decided I need a place to get it all out. And that perhaps other mom's-to-be who are giving it a second go while still recovering from a loss might enjoy relating to someone who understands that the biggest concern is not what color to paint the nursery, or which brand of maternity jeans to buy.

I invite you all to join me on my ups and downs, if you're up for the ride!